Often the initial response to an emotionally charged email is to fight back or pull back, and then emotionally disengage from the parent. When we consider our role as partnering with parents in the education of their child, disengagement is not the way to go. When we disengage we withdraw, detach, leave, retreat, remove, separate, quit, or disconnect.
When we emotionally disengage from the parent, we are creating distance between us and them. It becomes us versus them on opposite sides, rather than both you and I on the same side. When both teacher and parent are on the same side—both you and I—not only can we move forward, but it is for the benefit of the student.
Think about the last time you received an emotionally charged, challenging parent email. Stop for a moment and think about the emotions you felt—anger, frustration, disappointment, fear, etc.? Now think about the intensity of the emotion you felt. On a scale of 0-10, with 0 meaning feeling no emotion at all and 10 meaning the most intense emotion you’ve ever felt, how strongly did you feel? Most teachers I work with rate their level of intensity about an 8-9.
Consider the possibility that the parent who sent the emotionally charged email is feeling the same level of emotion you are experiencing as you read the same email. That means if you are experiencing an intensity of an 8-9, then most likely the parent was feeling an intensity of an 8-9 with whatever emotion they are experiencing. This is important to understand for us to be able to respond to the challenging parent email in a healthy way.
What we need to do to move forward is the exact opposite of our natural inclination. Our instinct is to fight back or pull back, but what we actually need to do is lean in, and bend or tilt toward the parent. This is hard! It is the last thing we want to do.
Here is the good news. You have the power to acknowledge and manage your feelings, and then communicate in a way that will de-escalate the situation, not only for the parent, but for yourself.
You are the professional. Don’t take it personally. 99% of the time it’s not about you.
