Have you ever given a direction to a student or reinforced a rule or procedure only to be on the receiving end of a set of rolled eyes or a heavy sigh?  Maybe even a comment or two just barely audible?

This kind of behavior coming from a student can really push your buttons.

You might even say, “Well, I can’t just let them be disrespectful to me and walk away.  I have to correct that behavior.”  Before we know it, a simple correction turns into a full blown battle for control.

I think many times we can get the words obedience, respect, and honor mixed up.

For example, you just reviewed the classroom rules and procedures again with your students.  An hour later, one of your students is violating a classroom rule.  Let’s say she is taking away from the learning environment by being distracting to other students—talking and trying to get another student’s attention.  You privately talk to her and you get an eye roll and a lot of attitude (“I know, I know.  You told us the rules like 100 hundred times.  Sorry, I forgot.”), but she stops disrupting.

Here is the challenge.  You spoke with the student and she corrected the behavior.  However, you are standing there feeling a bit unsettled because of her attitude.  She obeyed, but her attitude stinks.  She is missing a key piece that you are in a position to teach her.

Here is an approach I would like you to try.  Teach your students the difference between obedience, respect, and honor.

Obedience, Respect & Honor

Obedience is an action.  When children obey, they follow a rule, or comply with a request right away without you having to remind them.  You can observe obedience; because it is an action a child takes or ceases to take.

Respect is an understanding that someone or something is important.  When children respect someone, they understand that a person deserves respect because of who he or she is or a position he or she holds, such as a parent, a teacher, or a principal.

Honor is an attitude of the heart.  Honor shows up particularly when you tell children ‘No’ to something they want, when you ask them to do something they do not want to do, or you correct their behavior.  Honor is about having a good attitude while accepting a decision and responding with kindness.

Children can obey and not be respectful or honorable.  Children can also obey and be respectful and not be honorable.  The goal is to teach children to obey, and be both respectful and honorable at the same time.

Most of the time children want to please their teachers and their parents.  Unfortunately, we assume that children understand a lot more than they actually do.

How to Teach Your Students about Hands, Head & Heart

My guess is that most students are taught to obey and are scolded when they are disrespectful.  Explaining the difference between obedience, respect, and honor may very well be new information to them.

1 – Explicitly teach your students about obedience, respect, and honor and how those three words connect to hands, head, and heart.

Obedience = An action = Hands

Respect = An understanding of someone’s role = Head

Honor = An attitude of the heart = Heart

2 – Explain to your students that it is important to use all three—hands, head, and heart—when they respond to adults.

When children do not use hands, head, and heart in responding to adults, we can say things like:

I see you have used your hands in this situation when you followed my direction.  How can you show you are using your head (respect) and your heart (attitude) as well?

I can tell by your body language that you are not happy with rule the playground supervisor gave you.  I understand.  What is harder for you to do right now, use your hands, your head, or your heart?  What do you think would help you use your head—to understand why you have to follow this rule—in this situation?

I can see your hands and head in action, what about your heart?  Do you need some time to put your heart in action before we talk about this?

3 – Help children practice obedience respect, and honor.

Give children many opportunities to practice all three, and understand they may not get it right away.  (These three are hard for adults to practice at times.)

Between you and your students, generate scenarios that pop up at school.  Then talk about, or better yet, role-play what it would look like for someone to respond with hands, head, and heart.

Teaching children about obedience, respect, and honor is fairly straightforward and simple.  Children growing in obedience, respect, and honor takes time.

Be patient.  Be consistent.  Be gentle.  Especially when you are dealing with the heart.

Try this with your students and let me know how it works for you.  Leave a comment below.