Teachers who have a good understanding of the common “needs” of school parents are better equipped to manage parent-teacher communication. We all have basic needs like food, water, and oxygen. We also have basic psychological needs like autonomy, belonging, and competence, as well as love and safety.

When parents bring their child to school, they also bring their own set of “needs” with them. I use the word “needs” loosely in this context. Yes, we all have the same basic human needs, but school parents come with “needs” unaware to teachers.

Parents have 3 sets of needs. They have “needs” for their child. They have “needs” for their child’s teacher. They have “needs” for themselves as parents.

You can think of these “needs” as unspoken expectations. Let me show you what I mean. Parents “need” their child to like their teacher or to be successful at whatever they do. Parents won’t tell the teacher this, but it is an unspoken expectation. Parents “need” their child’s teacher to know their child well or to accommodate their home situation. Unspoken expectations.  Parents “need” to feel like they are doing a good job as a parent or “need” to never be wrong. Unspoken expectations. These are just a few examples of the “needs” of school parents—the unspoken expectations they bring with them when their child is in your classroom.

These “needs” are often what drive challenging parent emails. What it looks like to the teacher is that a student hasn’t been turning in homework and so they had to keep a child in from recess to finish it. What it looks like to the parent is that the teacher doesn’t like their child and they are not doing a good job as a parent.

When their “need” is not being met, that’s when the teacher is most likely to get a challenging email from a parent.

When you understand this dynamic, you have another tool in your toolbox that can help you respond in a way that addresses the legitimate academic or behavioral concern, and at the same time reassure the parent and de-escalate the communication.