One of the most harmful things we can do to children is to hold them accountable for their parent choices.  Not only because it damages the teacher-student relationship, but also because we are instilling in children, the false belief that they are responsible for someone else’s behavior.

Parents make decisions all the time that impact their child’s learning in both positive and negative ways.  As professionals, we can help inform and educate parents about what is best from an educational perspective, but we cannot place ourselves in the position of judge or jury over parent decision-making.

The Problem

Let’s accept the fact some parents will make decisions that go against everything we know is best for children’s learning.  We know what sets students up for success and what puts children behind the eight ball.

The problem arises when teachers are regularly stressed out and upset about things over which neither they nor the student have any control.

Let’s all agree on one thing.

Elementary school students are not old enough to drive.  If a parent brings their child to school late almost every day, it is beyond the child’s control.

You can encourage and remind the parent of the importance of instructional time, but ultimately it is up to the parent to get their child to school on time.  Let the office handle the attendance issue.  Your stress and frustration will impact your beliefs about, expectations for, and relationship with the student.

Don’t Create a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Research shows a positive teacher-student relationship is important for student success.  Even more critical are the teacher’s expectations of students.  Make no mistake, teachers’ deeply held beliefs about students will always be revealed, if not through words, through their attitude and actions.

A teacher, frustrated by a student’s chronic tardiness, vents to other teachers or the office about how much the child is falling behind.  We must be extremely careful in situations like this, that we do not create a self-fulfilling prophecy for the child.

The more we tell others how far behind the student is falling, the more we tell ourselves.  We reinforce our own deeply held beliefs about the student in front of us. Our beliefs affect our behaviors.  We begin to interact with the student differently, noticing their shortfalls more than their successes.  We unwittingly reinforce the child’s negative beliefs about himself.  And before long, the child has indeed fallen far behind.

If a parent chooses to have her child over-scheduled in extracurricular activities, leaving little room for homework—it is beyond the child’s control.  If a parent chooses to extend their vacation an extra week beyond the school’s vacation—it is beyond the child’s control.  If a parent does not have time to read with their 1^st grader—it is beyond the child’s control.

And it’s out of your control.

The Solution

Effective teachers never allow something they have no control over to prevent them from changing a student’s life.

Instead, implement these practices you do have control over:

Six practices to foster the teacher-student relationship

1.  Don’t give consequences to children because of their parents’ choices.

This practice is subtle.  It can look like the child who ends up on a “tardy bench” because of being late to school.  The child, who can’t finish homework because of being over-scheduled, sits out at recess almost every day to finish homework.  The child whose permission slip is a week late is told to remind their parent within the earshot of other students.

You teach children more than academics.  Children need the social-emotional learning that is just as important, if not more important, to their academic success.  The last thing you want to do is inadvertently make children feel responsible for the parent’s behavior.  (As adults, we call this co-dependence.)

Let them run and play.  Let them learn how to build friendships and work out problems on the playground.  Find another way to catch them up in the classroom.

2.  Work with the child you have in front of you.

As much as you would like things to be different, the situation may never change.  Parents are the primary educators of their children.  Your job is to partner with every parent as best as you can.  This is the child you have in your classroom now, and this child comes with a parent.

Take advantage of every minute you have to help the child learn and grow in the area they most need it.  You are an effective teacher!  You have the power to impact student learning in any situation.  It may not be the full impact that you want, but don’t underestimate your ability to help this child make progress in spite of the circumstances.  Dig deep.  You may discover you have more in you than you realize.

3.  Foster self-affirming beliefs and a growth mindset.

Self-fulfilling prophecies are founded on a false belief, but are so powerful that the end result is exactly what the person believed. The child, who falsely believes he is so far behind and will never catch up, will stop working as hard because it feels pointless to him.  Giving up and not doing the work puts the student further behind, reinforcing the original false belief.

The best thing you can do is foster self-affirming beliefs and a growth mindset, to support the child’s self-efficacy.  This is especially important in a situation where the child has no control.  Reinforce what is positive and true about the child and the importance of working hard in order to learn.

4.  Communicate your frustration to the parent not the child.

Don’t send messages through the child.  Don’t say “You need to remind your parent tonight to sign this paper if you want to go on that field trip.  It’s already a week late.” Or “You really need to make sure you get here on time in the morning.  You’re late every day.”

I can’t say it enough.  The child already knows!  This type of communication, not only is passive-aggressive, but also is harmful to your relationship with the student. Dysfunctional communication and compassion are incompatible.  You cannot empathize and help make things better for the student while you are trying to “send a message” to a parent.

Have compassion.  Communicate directly with the parent and find out how you can help.

5.  Remember your students will never forget how you made them feel.

Children know what it feels like to walk into class late.  Averted eyes and flushed cheeks are a sure sign of the shame they feel.  They know what it feels like not to have the permission slip turned in with everyone else, or not to be prepared with homework because they didn’t get home until 10:00 pm.  They already know the feeling of having no control over their parents’ behavior.

Help these children feel accepted, cared for, and capable.  Find ways to help them make a contribution to the class.  All students have something of value to offer.  Find out what makes them special, unique, and confident and shine the light on that.

6.  Let it go!

It’s time to let it go.  The negative feelings are not healthy—not for you, not for your students, and not for the home-school relationship.  Holding on to your frustration is not teaching anyone a lesson.  Chances are the parent is not even aware of how you are feeling.

You have a choice about how you feel.  No one can make you feel a certain way.  You can choose to be frustrated or you can choose to view this as an opportunity to dive deep into your toolbox.

Which strategies have you found effective to help inform, educate and support parents as the primary educators of their children?  Leave a comment below.